Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Identity Crisis

This has been bothering me for as long as I can remember. I believe that being a mother is a role that is meant for me, one way or another. However, not being able to achieve it at this point in time is a little disconcerting.  It leaves me lost a lot of the time. Don't get me wrong, I know who I am, but I'm not the WHOLE me YET. Make sense?  I know I am somebody's daughter, wife, friend, etc. but I am not yet somebody's mother and that bothers me. That is the one piece of my identity I want to have and without it I am not whole.

Especially right now, not knowing what sort of job I should or shouldn't do leaves me feeling as though I am floating out at sea without a raft. I have nothing else to focus on or to take my attention away from not being a mother.  Our anniversary is coming up quickly and I love the fact that I am a wife to my amazing husband, but with all the fertility treatments, we have nothing left to spend on each other. That is the one identity I relate most with right now and we can't celebrate it in a big way which leaves me a little sad. I know in my heart I wouldn't be able to watch other people's children again because I wouldn't be fully committed and that's not fair to the children or the parents. When the time comes to try again or go through the adoption process, my mind would be consumed and I would have to take time off again. Not fair for anyone. So that's not an option. I have applied in mass quantities to jobs I have found online, but nothing seems to be jumping out at me. That part of my identity needs the most attention because it is when I find myself with nothing to do that I feel the most lost and useless. Once I have a purpose, something to work toward, something to help us save up the money for a baby again, I will feel stronger, useful and more myself.

I have found that I have struggled with this crisis for most of my adult life. I have known forever that I wanted to and was going to be a mom. That is the only thing I have known for sure in my life besides the fact that I was going to marry my husband. I have gone between jobs and careers several times already (with much criticism from others), some my fault, some not. But it's because I can't fulfill that part of me that needs filled by being a mother. I try to find things/jobs to fill the void, but nothing will satisfy it until I have the ultimate dream job in my mind. Now that I am so close, I am floundering and flailing around wishing yet again, I didn't have to fill the void with something else until it was my turn to be a mother. It's not because I'm lazy and don't want to work (which is what some people think). Those people don't get it. Only if you have been in my shoes, do you get it. So please, don't judge. I am fully committed to finding a job, one that suits me perfectly for this point in time. Something that makes me happy, that is exciting to me and that can work around our trying to conceive or adoption. Something that works toward helping us achieve our goal of becoming parents. I will work so hard at this job knowing that it is helping our dreams come true. In the back of my mind, I think I have found this job as I have said before. I am still deciding and praying over the issue to make sure I don't make a wrong decision. However, I am feeling strongly about this choice and believe it to be the best one for me right now. With the routine, something else to focus on and income coming in to help us, I will have another piece of my identity in place until my time comes.

Please don't take this post the wrong way, I am still positive, hopeful, full of faith and upbeat for our next attempt, however and whenever that may be. This is simply sharing how I have felt throughout my quest to one day become a mother. I am sharing one of the deepest and darkest sides to my journey so that others going through this very same struggle can know they are not alone. This may not be every woman's struggle as she's going through infertility, but it is certainly one of mine.

Another piece to the puzzle, we finally get to meet with our doctor again next week to discuss the thrombophilia test results. Prayers for some issue that can be easily fixed so our journey can continue shortly! I will let you all know as soon as I do!