I Will Not Be Beaten

This failure will not beat me, I've decided. I haven't cried in 3 days (that's not to say I still won't from time to time), but I think I've turned a corner. I have hope again. My faith got me through. My husband got me through. I got myself through. The fact that I can actually exercise again finally without any pain from the progesterone shots is a huge step in the right direction for me. I can feel myself regaining control over my body in the ways I know how. I have gone back to focusing on my eating habits, exercising, drinking much needed caffeine and just being the me I was before we always get so caught up in IVF land. It's silly, but it won't be until I lose the stupid 8lbs I gained through this process that I will feel completely me again. But I hate that reminder, and it's a significant one when my clothes don't fit right all around my belly. Ugh. I always hate that part. If I find a job, with a routine, that will also help tremendously. I will have something to work towards another try, another shot at our dream, and possibly adoption. Whatever money I make will be termed "the adoption fund" because that is exactly what it will be. I am leaning toward a job that I can do on my own time and still go to the many doctor's visits or classes for adoption that will be in our future. A job that I can have fun doing and is low stress. I am praying over the decision and covering all my bases before I dive right into it. This ability to move on with my life, our lives together, lets us know we are not beaten. We will not be. It can be done. I know, women have moved on and gained success in pregnancy after miscarriages, but for a short week, I didn't think it would be me. I didn't think I would be able to go a day without breaking down into tears at the thought of what I just endured or the sight of a pregnant lady that's not me. But I am living proof of that now.

We are still waiting for the test results on the thrombophilia panel to see if I have a blood clotting disorder. Again, for some strange reason, I am hoping to have one. Easy fix and higher hopes of pregnancy. We have 16 embryos that need to see if they have a fighting chance and we can't let them go until we try. As soon as the job situation is figured out and I believe we have to wait a month or two to let my body reset, we can try again. Frozen embryo transfers aren't as involved, thankfully. A couple days of shots beforehand and of course after, the transfer and the bed rest. Your blood test is closer to the time of transfer as well since you wouldn't have to wait for the HCG shot to vacate your system. Not as much waiting involved. But hey, I should be pretty darn good at that by now, right?

One of the biggest questions I have for my doctor is how else can I get the progesterone into my system and is it just as effective as the shots? Because the aftermath I have each time from those shots is absolutely ridiculous. Not being able to run from so much pain for weeks afterward just doesn't seem right to me. Maybe my body doesn't absorb it correctly from the shots at all.  Maybe that has something to do with the failures as well. It's definitely worth looking into if we're going to continue to throw every penny we earn at them! Hopefully we will find out at the beginning of the week and not the end!

For everyone out there that supported me and my husband throughout this entire process, we thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Thank you for following and listening to my story. This ability to share it all has helped me a lot and in ways I never imagined. I always said I wanted to share my story to get the word out and to possibly help others if I could and I am so happy to say that I have achieved those goals. I hope to continue to do so throughout the rest of my struggle and plight with infertility. A lot of you were scared that I shared too much and too early. What if I miscarried? Well, there you have it...I did. That's just one part of my whole story and that's okay. I get that most people don't share until they are past their first trimester, but you know what? People still miscarry into their second trimester as well. It shouldn't be looked down upon for sharing so early. I understand that it is so touch and go early on, but that's part of every woman's journey. And for IVF women...we can't help but know that early. So if we share with you as soon as we find out, just be excited with us up until the point (which hopefully won't ever happen) we miscarry. Don't say to us that most women don't tell right away...we aren't most women. I am okay with sharing my story and all of it. It is one that doesn't end for me even when I can eventually hold a baby in my arms. I would have to do IVF or adoption each time we would want another child. This blog could be running for years to come, but I'm so glad to be able to share it because I am not alone.

Kinda Pregnant, Maybe Not, Yes Definitely, Not Anymore.

Those words describe the ups and downs of my last two and a half weeks. The only one that remains is NOT ANYMORE. I was so close. I was pregnant. Now I am not. That fact kills me every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. At first, I was okay with it. Whether it was because I half expected it from all the spotting or I had turned my sights to adoption. Now, I'm not okay with it. I want answers. After my scare of spotting on Thursday, June 23rd, I went in for a blood test just to make sure everything was okay. The nurse called and said my numbers looked great! They went all the way up to a 321 from a 53 so she said everything was fine. Well as the weekend progressed, the bleeding continued and with that so did the worry and the anxiety. Monday morning came and I had to call. The receptionist that answered wasn't exactly the most empathetic person to me that day. Her exact words to me were "well my mother bled the whole 9 months with me so I don't know what you're worried about." Thanks lady, but I'm not a bleeder. In fact I don't bleed AT ALL, that's why I'm your patient! So if you could just kindly connect me to my nurse, that would be great. Well the next lady wasn't much better. "You can come in if you want just for your own peace of mind." OK. I think I will since no one else is worried and it's my body. I think I know it better than you two nitwits. So of course I go in and have to wait HOURS for their phone call back. I waited all the way until 5 o'clock. OK, the office is closed now. Was anyone going to call me back? I took the initiative and called them. That receptionist wasn't kind either, she just sent me straight to someone's voicemail to be left there until the next day. So I called back and asked for the IVF nurse...the only lady they are supposed to connect me with in the first place. Of course I had to leave her a voicemail. But what do you know? She called me back in 10 minutes. WTH?  Anyways, she of course informed me that "it wasn't good news" My numbers had dropped back down to a 71. I would need to come back in later that week to make sure they keep dropping and I can stop all of my protocol of meds and shots.  Well that's just wonderful. Thanks for the $6000 failure...AGAIN. Now was it because of the Progesterone mix-up? I will have to wait for answers until I can finally sit down with my doctor hopefully sometime next week. Until then they are conducting a Thrombophilia (sp?) panel to check for any blood clotting disorders that could be to blame here. Let's hope there's something there that is an easy fix for the next round.  I have 16 frozen embies that I would like to do something with SUCCESSFULLY if at all possible. The test results won't be back until next week sometime and I will meet with my doctor when that happens. Until then, I am in a constant state of limbo.  Between job or no job, baby or no baby, FET or adoption, sadness or anger, happiness or devastation, tears or no tears. My husband of course probably thinks I am about to go off the deep end because I am so touchy/angry/snippy/pissy/tearful/whiny and just plain upset I would guess a good 90% of the time! But I mean...can you really blame me? Look at what I've been through in the last 2 months or even the last 2 years of infertility. Miscarriage tops it all. That was my ultimate fear that I just faced and stared down every moment of the past week.

Now, anger aside, I will tell you, my faith remains unshaken. Yes, I am upset, but I have not lost faith. I am not upset at God. I am a planner and without a plan I feel lost, angry, upset...you name it. My plan has to somehow get to completely relying on God's plan without knowing what it is. Right now that's a little more difficult, but I will work every day to get there.