Saturday, June 18, 2011

Enough Is Enough

So I'm still wavering in limbo being "kinda" pregnant. Today my numbers rose, but only slightly to 22. The nurse's words were, "it's not a good prognosis, but still come back Monday for another test." REALLY? I understand it's not a no, but at this point, I JUST WANT AN ANSWER. I also understand that at this point I am pregnant until my numbers stop rising, but they should be doubling, not going up by only 6 points. Very frustrating to say the least. At times throughout the day I just want to cry and give up and others I can't possibly see myself relinquishing hope. How could I? I am actually pregnant at this point. But I can't celebrate it. It's not how I pictured it to be, not one bit. I can't smile obnoxiously with a glow and just stare at my belly all day and it really annoys the heck out of me right now! At this point my husband and I just pray that the numbers somehow miraculously skyrocket by Monday. Not sure which bruised arm they want blood out of that day, but they can definitely take their pick!

To be completely honest, I'm not sure at this point if I can go through this again. These past two days have just taken their toll on me and my husband. And the fact that they kept 11 out and only 2 survived for transfer, leads us to believe that the 16 frozen ones don't hold out much hope for us. Some of them won't even survive the thawing process and who knows if they will make it long enough to do a day 5 or 6 transfer again. I know for a fact, I don't see myself going through an egg retrieval any time soon again, if ever. If it were up to me and we had endless amounts of money, I would be signing us up for adoption right now and completing the paperwork, coursework and throwing whatever money they wanted at them for a chance at the family we so desperately want. The thought that kills me right now is I know that in a few days I could possibly be having a period to pass the closest chance we had to a baby. I wanted pregnancy. My husband wanted a belly on me. We wanted the silly classes, labor aches and pains, nausea, uncomfortableness, maternity clothes, ultrasound pics and the opportunity to say "we're pregnant" to our friends and family. That dream is quickly vanishing before our eyes and it seems almost too difficult to handle at this moment. But, again, I must be patient and it is certainly not one of my finest qualities. Only time and prayer will tell which path we are to follow. Thank God I have my husband.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

"Kinda" Pregnant

Well, the waiting this morning wasn't as bad as I had remembered, but now the waiting is worse. I got the call a little before 12:30 and the nurse states that I got a positive test. I asked incredulously, "Really? Are you sure?". She replies, "Well you got a 16. That's not as high as we hoped, but you're in the ballpark. As long as the number goes up on Saturday, we're okay."  Oh, okay. My head is reeling with this information. I was expected a "yes" or "no" answer today. Not another "maybe". That is the hardest.  Yes, a no would totally devastate us, but now to wait another two days is almost unbearable. That alone was enough to send my calm and positive energy quickly spiralling downward. After I got off the phone with her, I simply turned off the TV and went straight upstairs to lay down. I cried, "hold on little one, hold on!" All we want is you. Look how hard we have worked to get you and now it's your turn to work hard for us. It's all out of our hands now. We have no say, but to rely on faith and pray that this science and technology works this time. I'm telling you people, not sure if I can handle this again. This maybe crap is for the birds.  I will let you know as soon as I do on Saturday.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

A Little Anger to Pass the Time

Less than 48 hours to go and the time seems to be slowing down. I have planned several lunch dates, watched more movies, read more of my books and darkened my tan to pass the time! Trying to be as calm as possible is a little bit harder than I remembered!  Although, receiving three alarming statements from your doctor's office in one day doesn't help!

1.  I called my doctor's office first thing in the morning yesterday because I noticed I was starting to not absorb the Progesterone and was getting welts on my backside. This happened last year and I did not want it to happen again and affect the outcome! The nurse said to come in and they would re-draw where my circles were and change the sites slightly. When I got there, she asked me which pharmacy I received the meds from and mentioned that they had called the office recently stating they were discontinuing sales due to patient complaints of reactions and when they looked closer, they realized something wasn't right with how they compounded it. WHAT?! Why didn't anyone call and tell this to the patients on this specific type of Progesterone? That would have been nice.  Now I'm thinking if I'm not pregnant, it could be the damn manufacturer's fault for not doing their job and then their due diligence with following up since they caught their mistake. Why didn't my office call their patients that they knew were on this type? UGH. Frustrating! So thankfully they switched my meds and gave me the new ones for free. Thanks a lot...hope I'm still pregnant in two days!

2. I also called to see how many of the other blastocysts left over were frozen on day 6. None.  They didn't survive. The embryologist said in fact, they got worse. Okay, great. But don't worry, he says, that doesn't mean the two we transferred would have. Those were the strongest and the best two. Okay, but that doesn't stop my mind from going there! Saying more prayers!

3. Still a little shaken from my morning enlightenment, I receive a phone call from the financial lady of our doctor's office yesterday afternoon. It went a little something like this:
Lady:  We haven't spoken recently, have we?
Me: No, why? I didn't think anything had changed from last year.
Lady: Well, our office likes to contact all patients ahead of time, so there are no surprises and they know what they are paying up front. You remember, you pay and then are reimbursed by your insurance. I apologize, I've been on vacation and your charges just landed on my desk. You were probably wondering why no one told you what to pay or asked for your money, weren't you??
Me:   Yes, I was wondering, but we were going to pay when I came in Thursday for my blood test. Yes, I remember. We are paying the same way we paid last time.
Lady:  And how is that? Have you reached your lifetime max on your insurance? Your charges come to $6175.00.
Me:  No, I'm pretty sure we haven't and I'm paying with the Healthone card. (Gulp in my head at the amount!)
Lady:  Healthone card, what is that?
Me: You know, the Care Credit card we got through your office last year for medical expenses.
Lady: Ooooh, we haven't been affiliated with them in a while. Not enough patients utilized their services so we stopped that.
Me: (Well, no one told us that. ) in my head, which should have been out loud! Okay, well we will pay Thursday when we come in. We weren't aware of the changes.
Lady:  Okay, great. Thanks and good luck!
Me: Thanks...bye. I was hoping my hormones would have taken over during that phone conversation and put that lady in her place. Like, why the hell didn't anyone call us ahead of time? That office knew we were planning IVF for this exact time for 8 months. What the heck? You couldn't have been on vacation for 8 months, surely. Somebody should have informed all the patients that used that card of the changes in the office's acceptable forms of payment. All they had to do was look in my file! A little warning would have been nice, is all I'm saying. My hormones came out only after I got off the phone, but apparently it isn't that big of deal fortunately. Not so fortunate for other patients caught in this dilemma, I'm sure! If this would have been our next attempt...there would be no way we could pay them in two days. Oh it's going on plastic, but we will pay it. What would they have done if we said "oops, we can't afford that! No one made us aware of the charges ahead of time. Sorry." Would we be washing their dishes, valeting their cars for them? Honestly. They would have had to figure something out because THEY dropped the ball. I fully plan to mention something to the office manager when I'm in there Thursday. Or maybe I'll wait to see my results first.

Those predicaments helped me pass the time a little, now it's the last stretch of the waiting game and the longest! Don't be surprised if I take some time to post the results. Family members will have to be notified and my husband and I will surely need alone time either way! If the results are positive, just pray for strong embryos and the "stickiness" factor...that they stay in there! Hopefully with my new and correctly working Progesterone that will be the case!