Thursday, September 15, 2011

Fear Has No Place Here

For the past two weeks, I have been terrified that I haven't been ready for this round of treatment. I was scared that being so busy with school would negatively impact my abilities to focus and implement my protocol. If you think about it, that is slightly true. I did forget and take all of my antibiotic at once and today I forgot to have them draw the circles for my husband to play target practice on my behind. However, this, as I have said in a previous post, is my 7th time doing this. I AM READY. How could I not be? I know exactly what to expect. I am familiar with all the procedures, medications, blood draws, waiting and vocabulary used. I was afraid I wasn't ready because of just that...fear itself. I know what I'm doing. I know what's happening and I know all the possible outcomes. I have plans of attack for whatever the outcome is. I have been praying like crazy and doing everything I am supposed to do (unless I forget to, ha!). Fear has been driving this lack of confidence. Fear has been in control. As of today, not anymore. Fear can take a backseat because if I end up pregnant or not this time, I have to be proud of how much I have tried and gone through to get where I am.

As of Sunday they will thaw 6-8 of our embryos and from then on, it's in God's hands. Not an ounce of my worrying will matter. My faith will. My lack of stress will. Any amount of stress and anxiety caused chemicals I welcome into my body at this point, will negate any amount of hormones trying to help these embryos attach. Fear doesn't have a place here. Fear cannot control embryos growing and multiplying cells. Fear cannot determine which embryos survive the thawing process. All I can do is what is up to me and that is focus completely on keeping my body healthy and calm to welcome little embies into my warm and welcoming environment. When I look at it in the context of if I am not relaxed or healthy, these embryos won't stick, I am more inclined to work on lessening my anxiety and stress, which I can, to some extent, control. At least I can control that more than whether the embryos survive the thaw or any outside factors that may or may not affect me during my wait time. Fear is not in control, I am. Even if the worst occurs---another miscarriage---we have a plan. We will be okay. But we will not focus on that. We will welcome the embryos the day of the transfer and completely visualize them going through the entire process inutero. We will remain positive and pray to God who will answer our prayers as long as we are listening and are in total reliance on his power and ability to give life. Fear is not in control. God is.

I can do THIS and all things through Him who strengthens me. I was just thinking today and realizing (in awe of myself) how confident, relaxed and completely full of faith in God I was just a few short months ago. I was wondering where that had disappeared to for this round. I wanted that same feeling again to feel ready, but it just wasn't happening. I was in tears last night and couldn't stop. I couldn't fully explain why, but I was just pleading with God to change my heart and my mind. I was beginning to think I lost my "mojo". I wanted it back. I wanted that confidence I once had. I wanted to feel "ready" and be relaxed about the whole process again.  Well I must have found my "mojo" today and I couldn't be more thankful. It came back just in time and all I can do is smile. I can do this, I keep telling myself. I am doing this. I am working full time, taking care of our home, laundry, dogs, dinners, each other and we are going to create a family. I can do this. I can do bed rest and the shots again. I am doing shots again. I am in control.  I know I never lost my faith, it must have accidentally been placed on the back burner again. Life gets in the way, but we can't let it. I can't let it. This is my life. Being a mom. Having a family. I am strong, confident in this time and positive we can survive and I envision it being successful. Can you see it with me? Fear has no place here, where this woman is about to become a mom. One way or another.