Saturday, June 11, 2011

Helpful Quotes I've Found/Heard

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"  ~Laura Bush

Remember, life may lead you where you least expect, but have faith that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."
-- Dale Carnegie

Dear Father in Heaven,

I pray to you today to protect and guide all of Your children who are plagued with the devastation and frustration that fertility issues cause them.

For all of the women who are going through egg retrievals today, give them peace and calmness to alleviate their fears and phobias and physical pain. Bless them with an abundance of viable eggs and healthy fertilization. Watch over the development of the babies and keep them warm and safe.
For all of the women who are going through embryo transfers today, give them patience and hope for all of the blessings that You may endow on them. Give them healthy and strong babies to survive the difficult yet joyful journey that they have ahead.

For all of the women who are going through the two-week-wait today, give them courage and strength to wait for the joyous news. Allow them to focus on the positive outcomes and to pamper and treat their bodies as the shrines they are.

For all of the women who have faced a cycle that was unable to fulfill their dreams and have made the decision to try again, bless them, Father, for they carry on in spite of pain and disappointment. Strengthen their resolve and show them the joy of their commitment by blessing their homes with a new life in the cycle to come.

For all of the women who have journeyed through the deserts and have found no more strength to carry on in the face pain of such bitter disappointment and frustration, shower them with Your Love. Give them peace and remove any grief and anger that they rightfully feel. Open their hearts and their souls to Your Word and to Your Will. Show them paths and choices that might lead them to the desired end.

For those who have received the blessings of a child, protect their family with Your Strength, guide them to Your Way, show them Your Love and leave Your Imprint in their hearts to have them be beacons of light for the rest of the world.

In Your Blessed Name, we pray. Amen

“Impossible situations can become possible miracles.”

Never let go of hope. Someday you will see that it all has finally come together. What you have always wished for has finally come to be. You will look back and laugh at what has passed and you will ask yourself…How did I get through all of that?

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
...Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do" --Kutless

"Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today."

Don't be afraid to take a chance, it just might be the chance that changes your life

I have decided to be happy, because it's good for my health. - Voltaire

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." Helen Keller

Thank you lord for all the blessings in my life
help me to remember them as I face the challenges of infertility
I pray I can surrender myself into your hands
let me accept the reality of this situation
and have the wisdom and courage to take action where I can
strengthen my body, mind and spirit to endure
the trials of infertility. Keep me ever mindful of the needs of
others and grant us your peace.


"The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.”

"to get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep stepping"

“Life is a series of experiences, each of which makes us bigger, even though it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.”

Friday, June 10, 2011

Rough Day

It's almost over. I can make it...right? It's getting harder as the hours pass on. It's lonely with my husband at work and even though friends and family have been stopping by to visit. I love having them here but I don't want them to feel like they have to be here. At times I want them to stay and then others I just want to be alone with my thoughts. All the ups and downs thanks to hormones no doubt. The past two days I have been nothing be cautiously optimistic, hopeful and full of faith. Today, not so much. I try. I pray. I read scriptures to uplift me. It's getting harder, but this is ultimately a test of faith that I must pass. In my reading I came across a passage in Matthew telling us not to ask God for signs for that is not faith. I must stop asking for signs of pregnancy but rely solely on my faith that God does hear my prayers and will answer them in his own way. Hard.To.Do. But I must. As I stare out the window, longing just to smell the air and feel the breeze, I must remind myself this is all for a good reason and my faith will get me through. The tears may come and fall, but that doesn't mean my faith must waiver. It is strong. I am confident in our odds and God's miracles. But there is always that little doubt in the back of your mind that won't go away and sometimes pushes to the forefront like today. It tries so hard to get you down and make you not believe. A fight that goes back and forth in my head each hour of this day.

I have started and stopped 3 movies today, watched about 10 mindless shows on TLC and read quite a few pages finally in one of my books. However, I made the mistake of watching The Baby Story. I should have known from my temperament this morning that this would not be a good choice for me today. Yet, I still turned the channel and couldn't take my eyes off the screen. In this particular episode, the couple already had a child and was adopting another one from Korea. I was doing fine watching it and was actually interested because I was proud of TLC for finally taking another approach on the show. Not every woman has a baby on her own or naturally. As I continued to watch, the husband and soon to be big brother stayed behind while the mom went overseas to bring the baby home. Still doing well at this point. It wasn't until the mom emerged from the airport with her whole family crying and screaming in excitement and happiness that I, too, started to cry. The expression of the mom's face said it all to me. How I would feel when I could finally bring home a child that would be ours. I lost it. Crying uncontrollably for a good 10 minutes. My poor husband comes upstairs unaware and instantly tries to calm me down so I don't upset anything that may be happening in my uterus. Finally, I was okay, but then the Pampers commercial came on and talked about how no matter how the baby comes into the world (showing IVF, surrogate, adoption, etc.)  they are always...something...can't even remember because I began crying again at this point. Just an emotional day I guess. The bed rest getting the best of  me or the anxiety of wanting to know starting to rear its ugly head.

This too, shall pass. Tomorrow will be a new day, one full of hope and positivity that I had just yesterday and still sometimes today.  Hoping for a better day since I will have a change of scenery tomorrow...the couch! Woo hoo! I get to move downstairs and just take it easy down there. That will surely lift my spirits. I will keep relying on verses to get me through such as this: Psalm 62:5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Transfer Day!

These are our little embryos that they transferred this morning! All went well and there were several that looked good, but these two were the best and the most ready. The bottom one is even beginning to hatch from its shell and that's what it does right before it attaches...crazy! I love science! I am currently on day one of bed rest with at least two more to follow. I will probably hang low through the weekend just to make sure! The first 48-72 hours after transfer are when they implant themselves and the most crucial for laying around. Pretty nifty! So the darker masses you see in the embryos would potentially become the fetuses and the lighter masses around them would become the placentas. Our embryologist was much happier with this cycle, especially since we were able to do a day 6 transfer. Last time with our day 3 transfer, the embryos were only 5, 6, and 7 cells. This time they are between 60 and 80 cells! So our outlook is good with a 50-60% chance of success this time:) Don't stop the prayers! They have lifted us up this far and I hope it only continues from here:) Thank you all for all your thoughts, kind words, food and prayers!
This time is a much happier, calmer and somewhat easier cycle and I can only hope it continues with good fortune next week with my Beta test (blood test to see if it worked and I'm pregnant!).

Already, I am finding myself uncomfortable laying around. Switching sides only does so much for comfort, view and change of location! The progesterone shots in my backside make laying here quite painful, not to mention my ovaries still being enlarged from the egg retrieval. Tylenol it is for me and I still continue with the Gatorade to ward off any symptoms or potential Hyperstimulation. I just keep looking at the pics of our embryos and know that it's all worth it. I felt extremely calm and happy this morning (could be due to the Valium they have you take), but also because I felt God again with us. I was able to go through the entire cycle seeing my doctor at each visit, including today, which greatly helped reduce any anxiety and fears I might have mustered up in nightmares. So I feel completely confident and hopeful:) All I have to do is lay here and hope that God's will is for us to have children this time around. I will read my numerous books, watch so much TV and movies it will be ridiculous and bother you all with multiple blog posts I'm sure! Oh and did I mention, eat? That has been a hobby of mine today that hopefully won't continue at the same intensity for the next few days! I've managed to fend off any additional weight gain. However, I see that possibly changing over the next 72 hours! Oh well...all worth it! I have to give those embryos nutrients to grow, attach and burrow like crazy! My husband was so cute today bringing me all the veggies, fruit and protein he could find in our fridge. Tomorrow and Friday with him being at work, he will stock a cooler next to the bed for me to eat out of all day! A girl's gotta eat, right?

Now it's just a 7 day wait until we see if it worked.  Here's to bed rest!