Friday, September 30, 2011

2 Little Embies

They are in there...we just hope they stay put this time. Awaiting a blood test is the most agonizing thing I can possibly think of right now. I have to say, being at school and preoccupied has helped pass the time quite quickly. I cannot worry about doing too much, standing too long or other silly things while I am too worried about my students and who just put their booger on the wall (yes, that really happened today!). Nice to laugh in between all the anxiety, worry and complete and total fear. I still have a positive attitude, sure, but waiting, just plain sucks, no matter how you look at it. Even if I do have a positive reading, not sure I will believe it. I will have to talk myself out of worrying about a miscarriage just about every hour...yep...that sounds about right. I am already going to the bathroom every hour just to make sure I'm not bleeding. Although each time I don't find any, I still am only appeased for about 30 minutes until I start worrying about it again.

Shots aren't getting any easier either. Room is running out on my belly in between all the bruising and patches. I'm also already having a bad reaction to the Progesterone shots as well...just keep telling myself this will all be worth it.  It better be.  All this over analyzing every move I make, cramp I feel, and pinch I take really takes a toll on a person's psyche. I keep telling myself I can't give up, but eventually at some point I might. Adoption is a very real possibility. But in the back of my mind, I am afraid of that option because it means I gave up on a possibility of our own flesh and blood...sounds silly, I know. But I was very attached to the idea of going through pregnancy and I'm afraid of what will happen if I accept the fact that experiencing that may never happen for me.  Not to mention how much of a failure I would feel like as a woman. Okay...time to stop worrying about that and worry about being pregnant now. Stay positive. I tell myself this every 5 minutes. Don't worry. Calm down. Don't stress. Pray. Relax. Envision the embryos. All of those thoughts seem to be a on a repetitive cycle in my head. It is out of my hands now and I need to relax into that thinking. But first...I have to pee.