Saturday, May 14, 2011

Surviving The Hormone Rollercoaster Ride

4 shots of Lupron into my regimen and feeling great!  A little sore, but nothing compared to what's coming so I can't complain. I am becoming a little snappy, but again, nothing compared to the rollercoaster I will be on shortly! With that ahead of me, I thought I would take some time to remind myself and others of you out there going through the same thing of some ways we can survive the ups and downs of our hormone rollercoaster ride. As my poor husband is already starting to see some of the craziness that comes out of this process, I must remind myself to apologize before and after any outburst that is unwarranted and even for the ones that are! Already I can feel my emotional shifts happen more quickly than usual. The poor telemarketer that called yesterday felt the full brunt of one them! Well, it was his fault for calling back twice in two minutes after my husband had already explained once we don't have the money to donate to his charity right now. Who seriously calls back twice after being hung up on? That guy didn't know my rage that could come out so quickly in the 10 seconds he was on the phone with me. Needless to say, he didn't call back anymore after our conversation! With all of that in mind, here's a sort of top ten list of ways to calm and/or get through those hormone surges!

10. CHOCOLATE. I don't know about you, but eating any sort of chocolate always works for me! If I find myself feeling stressed, I always reach for my stash of Dove chocolates in the pantry to calm myself even for just a split second.

9. BREATHE...take several deep breaths and remind yourself that it isn't necessarily you that is this upset, it could be the hormones talking. Even so much as removing yourself from the situation or taking a walk can greatly reduce the stress or anger you are feeling at that point in time.

8. BREATHE again...can't hurt! Don't they say count to 10?? Why not try 20 before speaking so you don't regret words that might come out of your mouth without warning! I have to take my own advice on this one. I have gotten into a lot of trouble in the past:) Oops!

7. APOLOGIZE. Always. Not everyone understands the emotional rollercoaster you are on and some people take your words to heart.

6. COMEDY. Whenever you are in a horrible mood or just finished ripping someone's head off for a good reason, I'm sure, make yourself laugh by watching and/or listening to something funny. It will lighten the mood and relieve the anger that's swirling inside of you!

5. Did I mention chocolate? Oh yeah, how about some ice cream to go with that? Whatever comfort food you want or crave during this time...GO FOR IT! Except for alcohol because it can worsen your symptoms and let's face it, should we really be drinking while working our way up to getting pregnant? Remember the quality of the eggs is extremely important!

4. KLEENEX. Carry them with you at all times, crying happens instantly and without warning! Last night it almost happened 3 times in the span of an hour. It only gets worse from here for me! Yikes! I fear going to any movie or being in public, but I can't help it so I won't apologize for crying whenever it may happen. I will just wipe my uncontrollable tears and explain that apparently my brain feels it's necessary to cry at that very moment, whatever the situation may be.

3. LAUGH IT OFF. Seriously, it works. I do find it funny...sometimes much later after the fact, how angry, sad, upset, mad, pissed off, teary-eyed or extremely elated I got over something so little.

2. PRAY. Whatever emotion you are feeling at whatever moment in the day, pray that it will pass if it's sadness or anger, or stick around if it's happiness and joy. At any given moment, women going through these shots, never know when their emotions will take over their mind and body, but we can be mindful of who's really in control and just pray that he's there with us through it all.

1. EYES ON THE PRIZE. It does suck to have your emotions going off the radar in so many different directions every second of every day, but remember why you are doing this. You are here to give yourself the ultimate gift of a baby and a family. That gift is worth riding this ridiculous rollercoaster any day. That's why I continue to go through it. This is my sixth attempt with fertility treatments and I am even willing to go at it a seventh time if this time doesn't work.

I hope this list helps, even just a little bit. I know I will refer back to it at times during the next several weeks! Tomorrow is my last day of birth control and after that, the Lupron takes over. Oh boy, hormone shifts, here we go! I won't know what's coming when I begin the Follistim while still remaining on the Lupron. I will just try to enjoy the ride and remember the goal. If you see me with steam coming out of my ears or tears streaming down my face, just know I am going throught this checklist in my head, trying to find the one that will help me survive that particular outburst!

Monday, May 9, 2011

A Poem That Says It All

I belong to a few groups on Facebook that are for those of us struggling with infertility. One of the women in one of the groups kindly shared this poem she found on a website. I plan to revisit this poem every day of my two week wait in June! Just thought you would all enjoy this poem and the thoughts that cross our mind from time to time! From my perspective, the title should be "The Two Week Wait".

The two week wait, a testing time,
designed to make you lose your mind
'tis all surreal, to think inside,
there's little embies, trying to hide,
snuggling in for a 9 month stay,
well that's the outcome for which I pray
twinges here and twinge there,
are they implanting or just trapped air,
progesterone pants and heparin bruising,
mood swings galore, my mind I am losing
time goes slow, then slower still,
a few more hours another pill
pee sticks screaming "pee on me NOW",
but it's way too early, you silly cow
and so I wait, a few more days,
distracting myself in ridiculous ways
I write a poem, I vacuum the cat,
I sort my cds, and feng shui the house
I go out for tea, I go out for cake,
I stuff my face with another homebake
I've surfed the net for hours on end,
twittered and facebooked and phoned another friend
and still it's days till I pee in a pot,
and the magic stick will say preggars or not!
hanging on in there, trying to be strong,
but so few days can seem so long
got everything crossed, butterflies in my tummy,
this has to be my time to finally become a mummy!
                              ~Author unknown

Sunday, May 8, 2011


For whatever reason, today of all days, I woke up with a sense of stillness or calmness (if that's even a word) surrounding me. I woke up empowered with the knowledge that whatever is to be, will be and it is most definitely out of my control so there is no reason for me to continue worrying about it constantly. Now, this feeling may leave me as soon as I wake tomorrow, but for now, I'm going with it!

I know you may be thinking this is the weirdest of all days, Mother's Day, to wake up peaceful and completely happy facing my situation. But somehow, I can just feel God holding my hand or his hands on my shoulders...not sure which. I just feel his presence surrounding me to keep me calm in my storm. This is what I have been praying for! This is what all of you have been praying for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I feel prepared and ready to conquer these shots and long days ahead of me. I feel...truly okay about it all. Which is funny, considering yesterday I was crying at the sight of every pregnant lady or small child! Today for our Mother's Day brunch we even had a VERY pregnant ironic. But you know what? It didn't bother me. Today at church, they made a pregnancy announcement and another lady said, "Happy Mother's Day to you too!"  Still...didn't bother me.

That's how I know I'm ready. I have come to terms with everything in my environment that I will never be able to escape. If I'm not blessed with a child, there will not be a place on earth I can hide from seeing pregnant ladies. There won't be a place I will go without some small child or baby with the same binky or onesie I was going to purchase for my own child. Women with infertility face their problem every day and cannot run or hide. As much as we would like to, we can't. We might as well come to termswith our own situations and face the world head on with our heads held high, knowing we are not alone in our sacrifice of not being able to conceive. Knowing that there are people out there that pray for us daily and want to help us through this trial.

These feelings may change (and probably most certainly will) as my time with hormone shots goes on or this round of IVF doesn't work. However, I will remember this day and how I feel right now. It is okay. I'm okay. If I can't have my own child....eventually, probably not right away, I will be okay. I have received the patience, peace and serenity I have been so desperately praying for. If I can't be in control, I can at least be calm about the whole situation and it can only help it go more smoothly or at least not as terrible as I remember it the last time. For me, right now, I'm calm and happy and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.

It is totally God's sense of humor that this arrives for me on Mother's Day. His way of telling me next year I will be celebrating as well?? Perhaps. Either way, thank you, God.