Wednesday, April 6, 2011

All the things I have always wanted to do but can't...YET!

I don't know how many of you watch the show Parenthood on TV, but I do and last night's episode struck a chord in me that opened the gateway of tears. In the episode, one of the women is struggling with secondary infertility. I feel for you, but you already have a child. Anyways, a hard thing to deal with nonetheless. She has trouble coping with the fact that she probably won't have another child and in essence takes it out on her current one by smothering the child with activities she wants to do with her. The woman plans all these "special days" with her daughter where they go to the zoo together, have special dates and she wants to teach her daughter how to golf so it can be "their" thing. At the commercial break the tears came. I have a list of "special days" I want to have with my children. I have activities that I want to do with them that's just "ours". My husband, I know, can't wait to hopefully have a son to teach sports to and watch Sportscenter with.

So of course that got me thinking. All the things I have always wanted to do with my children and/or husband, but can't yet, obviously. The first thing, you ask? I want to feel my baby growing inside me. I want to feel its first kick, move, hiccup. I want to have a life inside of me that I helped create. I want to share with them music that has always helped to calm me while they're still inside of me. I want to share with them every minute of my pregnancy when I get that chance. For me, I want to relish in morning sickness, getting fat and caving into cravings just every once in a while! I want to share in the entire childbirth process with my husband. I want to feel the very first time they lay our child across my chest. I want to hear the first time our baby cries. I want to be able to hold our baby for the first time and know that feeling of being a mother. I want my husband to have the satisfaction of being a father which he so desperately wants. I want to share in being a family.

What would I do with them? What wouldn't I? Walks in the park, play outside, board games, work on homework, eat dinner together, watch them play sports or do whatever they want to do for fun, laugh, cry, read together, go to the zoo, learn an activity together. The list could go on and on. Most of it would seem to be the daily activities that I would give anything for. I want the opportunity to be the only one in the world that can make them stop crying or stop hurting. I have always wanted to share with my children just how loved and wanted and appreciated they truly are. How much faith I had that God would give that blessing to me someday.

Every holiday these days I go through the same gamut of emotions. What would it be like with our kids someday? I want to share in frosting cookies, opening presents, hunting for Easter eggs, watching fireworks and trick-or-treating. I want the opportunity for their grandparents to spoil them rotten with an overabundance of love and gifts. My husband and I want to share in all the excitement and craft-making that leads up to each one. Well, maybe not so much the craft-making for him, but I'm sure you get the point.

On a happier note, I want to share in the new mom shopping and nursery decorating. Hello, who wouldn't want another excuse to shop? Baby clothes, items, and toys, not to mention maternity clothes! All my husband does is cringe when I get giddy about the thought of shopping for all those new fun things.

Most of all, I want to share in the bonding experiences of breastfeeding (if possible) or giving our baby a bottle. Looking in their eyes the entire time knowing their ours.  I want to share with my husband every milestone our kids will reach; first crawl, word, steps, tooth, day of school, etc. There's so much I want to do with my husband and future children.

Again I get asked why would I put myself through all of this? For each and every one of these reasons and so many more. Every shot, every painful experience, every negative is worth the chance that someday all of these things will be ours to share. I would love nothing more than to share this with our own flesh and blood, but if that's not in the cards for us, I am so excited to still share all of these moments with a child that we are blessed enough to receive through adoption.

All the things I have always wanted to do but can't all leads in one direction------>BEING A MOM, enough said.


  1. You are an incredibly strong woman! I have faith, as I know you do, that God is blessing you and will continue to bless you and your husband in preparation for a baby of your own. You and your husband will be INCREDIBLE parents!!

    Remember that mustard seed!!

  2. Amen sister. Just a heads up - come to church on May 1st. I am giving the sermon and you will definitely relate. I talk about my struggles and some of it sounds a lot like this.