I never knew this until now. This is something I couldn't even wrap my head around until someone point blank said it to my face last week. I have apparently not understood a lot of the talk on the infertility websites until recently. There are a lot of women grieving the loss of their "babies" and saying they will see them in heaven, or they have "x" amount of babies waiting for them up there. It never really clicked for me. I didn't think about it like that. I just assumed they were talking about miscarriages. But, then I thought more. No, they are talking about their embryos that didn't attach. Well, that happened to me too. Still didn't dawn on me completely. Until I was explaining how in our last IVF attempt we had 3 embryos transferred but none of them took. OH! Well I am a believer that life begins at conception. Duh...that means I did have three lives inside of me, they just didn't attach and grow because something wasn't right. But I still had three lives inside of me. Hmm. My husband and I do have three babies waiting for us in heaven. Wow. Never thought of it like that before. Why is that, I ask myself? Is it because to me, I had to put everything in a neat little box and wrap it with a bow to keep my emotions in check? Is it because my worst fear is a miscarriage after going through everything we possibly can to have a child? Maybe. Maybe I just couldn't handle all of that on top of the IVF not working so I pushed those thoughts out of my mind. Still now, it is hard for me to understand completely. But somewhat comforting. That I actually had life inside of me, even just for a little while. That thought will be reassuring going through the two week wait after my transfer this time. I will be pregnant until somebody proves otherwise. Let's hope that's not the case.
The more I think about it, the more it all unravels in my head. There's the innocent prayer like I prayed when my grandmother died: Lord, please keep them safe up there with you until I get there. (Like they aren't already safe in heaven...hello!) The humorous thoughts in the wake of Osama Bin Laden's death...will I accumulate 72 babies up there waiting for me? There's the sad plea: I wish they could be down here with us just so we could see their beautiful faces, hear their laughter. Don't forget the angry outcry of WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST HAVE ATTACHED?? But then I remember of course there's a reason for this all and that I won't understand it until I am further down the road. So I am just left with my thoughts and my faith. Hopefully this time will be different. Hopefully this time our babies will dig themselves in for a nice long stay and we will get to see their faces. Even if it's just one face, we will be happy with that! So I guess no matter what, next year I will celebrate Mother's Day, right?