Those words describe the ups and downs of my last two and a half weeks. The only one that remains is NOT ANYMORE. I was so close. I was pregnant. Now I am not. That fact kills me every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. At first, I was okay with it. Whether it was because I half expected it from all the spotting or I had turned my sights to adoption. Now, I'm not okay with it. I want answers. After my scare of spotting on Thursday, June 23rd, I went in for a blood test just to make sure everything was okay. The nurse called and said my numbers looked great! They went all the way up to a 321 from a 53 so she said everything was fine. Well as the weekend progressed, the bleeding continued and with that so did the worry and the anxiety. Monday morning came and I had to call. The receptionist that answered wasn't exactly the most empathetic person to me that day. Her exact words to me were "well my mother bled the whole 9 months with me so I don't know what you're worried about." Thanks lady, but I'm not a bleeder. In fact I don't bleed AT ALL, that's why I'm your patient! So if you could just kindly connect me to my nurse, that would be great. Well the next lady wasn't much better. "You can come in if you want just for your own peace of mind." OK. I think I will since no one else is worried and it's my body. I think I know it better than you two nitwits. So of course I go in and have to wait HOURS for their phone call back. I waited all the way until 5 o'clock. OK, the office is closed now. Was anyone going to call me back? I took the initiative and called them. That receptionist wasn't kind either, she just sent me straight to someone's voicemail to be left there until the next day. So I called back and asked for the IVF nurse...the only lady they are supposed to connect me with in the first place. Of course I had to leave her a voicemail. But what do you know? She called me back in 10 minutes. WTH? Anyways, she of course informed me that "it wasn't good news" My numbers had dropped back down to a 71. I would need to come back in later that week to make sure they keep dropping and I can stop all of my protocol of meds and shots. Well that's just wonderful. Thanks for the $6000 failure...AGAIN. Now was it because of the Progesterone mix-up? I will have to wait for answers until I can finally sit down with my doctor hopefully sometime next week. Until then they are conducting a Thrombophilia (sp?) panel to check for any blood clotting disorders that could be to blame here. Let's hope there's something there that is an easy fix for the next round. I have 16 frozen embies that I would like to do something with SUCCESSFULLY if at all possible. The test results won't be back until next week sometime and I will meet with my doctor when that happens. Until then, I am in a constant state of limbo. Between job or no job, baby or no baby, FET or adoption, sadness or anger, happiness or devastation, tears or no tears. My husband of course probably thinks I am about to go off the deep end because I am so touchy/angry/snippy/pissy/tearful/whiny and just plain upset I would guess a good 90% of the time! But I mean...can you really blame me? Look at what I've been through in the last 2 months or even the last 2 years of infertility. Miscarriage tops it all. That was my ultimate fear that I just faced and stared down every moment of the past week.
Now, anger aside, I will tell you, my faith remains unshaken. Yes, I am upset, but I have not lost faith. I am not upset at God. I am a planner and without a plan I feel lost, angry, upset...you name it. My plan has to somehow get to completely relying on God's plan without knowing what it is. Right now that's a little more difficult, but I will work every day to get there.