Sorry for the long lapse in between posts, but since I last posted, I landed a teaching job full time. I feel very fortunate and blessed at the moment, but mostly overwhelmed. Partner that with my anxiety level and I have just been down right exhausted. However, I have to maintain focus for the kiddos, myself and my FET regimen which has now begun. We are working towards our first frozen transfer. It seems so surreal to have come up so quickly. It's kind of nice knowing the waiting after our miscarriage will soon be over as well. I guess time flies when you have a job and aren't just sitting around all day focusing on not being pregnant, huh?
Since the shots of Lupron began, I have done quite a number on my belly with the bruising. I guess it's just preparing me for what's to come with the Lovenox...fun times! Instantly, I'm hot most of the time and gone are the days of a good night's rest with the regular anxiety, school anxiety and FET anxiety all rolled together in a neat little ball for me! Or should I say, GIANT ball of stress? Despite all of that, I think I have been managing quite well thanks to my organizational skills and on-top-of-it-all-ness. For that I look to Guiliana Rancic for strength. She and her husband, Bill, have a reality show about their lives, but a lot of it covers their struggle with infertility. The woman has it all put together on the show. Of course they have oodles of money to throw at the fertility treatments each time, however, you can tell her pain and loss she feels after her miscarriage. But she doesn't let that give her the automatic right to become a negative person or dwell on what she doesn't have. She sticks with her positive attitude 99% of the time. Her sister is pregnant with baby #4 on the show and that doesn't bother her one bit. Guiliana's niece even came right out and asked her if she was upset by that. Guiliana responded in the way that I want to carry myself from now on...not the least bit bitter, but in fact happy and elated for other people's blessings which in no way affect her blessings and the timing of them. Got all that? Sorry for the rambling...blame the Lupron! But the way she handled the situation and later explained why she felt the way that she did makes perfect sense in my mind. I shouldn't be upset at pregnant women. It's not their fault I'm not pregnant. God just hasn't blessed me with the same fortune, YET. From now on, I vow to be a completely positive thinker. Yes, I have had strong faith throughout this time in my life, but I have been a little upset lately at how irritated I get when I see a pregnant lady. I have to learn that my emotions are separate from my faith as someone kindly pointed out to me last night. It is completely okay to be upset at a situation, but still have faith and trust in God that all things will be handled by him on his time. We just can't let those emotions take over and take control over our faith or else that will suffer.
So with this new revelation, I hope to continue spreading the same message Guiliana does. Yes, you can be upset or sad, but in no way does another pregnant lady affect your getting pregnant or not. You may think this odd that I just am figuring this out now, but years of pent up frustration from infertility can cloud one's judgment of themselves and how they act. Actually, a friend of mine is just recently pregnant and while for a moment I was sad it wasn't me, I have been nothing but excited for her from that one moment on. It is possible to separate your situation from others. It just is very difficult most of the time with all the emotions getting in the way. It's not our fault, we are pumped full of hormones on these treatments, but sometimes taking a step back and a different perspective can help us gain some control again over our thoughts and actions.
So school anxiety taking a precedent right now over every other anxiety, it feels nice to have something else to focus on. I like a routine and a school routine is one I am quite use to, so it adds a sense of comfort and stability that hasn't been there in a while. Fingers crossed all this other anxiety doesn't get in the way of me staying calm on bed rest. I have already planned my lessons out way past when I would be gone for that to try to fend off any unnecessary worrying ahead of time. Let's hope it works and I get to buy all the cute maternity clothes to wear to school...hehe.