Monday, April 25, 2011

The Husbands Suffer Too

As much as we don't want to admit it sometimes, our husbands suffer from infertility as well. Even if it's not their fault and it's all because we're broken, they suffer. They may suffer in silence because what they go through isn't nearly the amount of pain and anguish that the woman might feel. However, today's post is dedicated to the DH's or dear husbands out there who are amazingly strong for their wives dealing with infertility.

As you all know, my husband and I recently went in for our blood work. The poor guy hates giving blood and needles, even though he gives flu shots on a regular basis. I went first because I hate it just as much and he just stood there as usual. However, when it was his time, he squirmed and reached for my hand and couldn't look. He made a terrible face when the needle went in and all I could do at that point was laugh. Of course my thinking is...ha! That's not even half of the needle sticks I have to go through! I don't even feel bad for you right now! All you have to do is give your "sample" twice and one needle stick. Boo freakin' hoo! Right? Well, kind of. Those two "samples" are a major dent in their pride. They are taken out of the equation of making a baby just as much as we are. It kills him to know that he can't do anything to solve the problem. Not to mention it completely zaps all the fun out of trying for a baby. There's no need!

And I completely feel for him every time it doesn't work. He is just as devastated, upset, angry and defeated as I am. They really and truly want a family just as much as we do at this point or they wouldn't be watching us go through all this trouble! He's there for me every time it hurts from the shots or after my egg retrieval. He's there at night when there's no comfortable position because my ovaries just plain are in the way! He's there to give me the progesterone shots every day. He's there for almost all the doctors appointments. He's there. He's as invested in it as I am.

So when I think about how insensitive I am sometimes to his feelings throughout all of this I feel terrible. He's my rock throughout all of it. How can I not be sensitive to what he's feeling?

My advice, talk to your husband! I know it's hard sometimes with the strong/silent types, but it's a must! It keeps you both in tune to each other's feelings and makes you more aware of them. Communication is key throughout marriage, but especially during any sort of crisis. He can make you laugh when it hurts, he can cry with you when it doesn't work, he can calm your anxieties and let it roll off his back when you're screaming for no reason! I truly admire my husband for how much he puts up with. Some of it is out of my control and he completely understands that. I just have to remember to keep the parts I can control in check!  For example, we are currently in limbo until our next doctor's appointment May 5. So what does my type A personality feel is the most important thing right now?? Cleaning the entire house! Why, you ask? Because for me, the one and only thing I can't control isn't happening yet so I can't relax yet and let it happen. So I am going to fix, clean  and control everything I can in the house until that point. My solution...I can control how clean the house is. For me, it's a sense of accomplishment and my way of nesting for that future baby...whenever it comes! So yes, I am going to give this house the best spring cleaning it has ever seen so I can feel in control in one aspect of my life right now. But you know what? He gets it. He's helping. In the past, he would have just gotten mad and yelled right back at me. However, now that we talk it through and I explain why I am cleaning like a madwoman right now, he helps. My dear husband loves me and accepts the craziness that I have before we even start the shots! Now that's a man I admire and love whole-heartedly.

That is why I am so devastated to not be able to give him a family right this minute! Look at all he does for me and how much he wants us to have a family. IT KILLS ME. He wants it just as much as I do and all he can do is sit back and watch me go through all the shots, procedures, appointments and waiting. He waits with me. I love him for that and so much more. Thankfully this process has only brought us closure. For some that's not the case. This is the type of crisis that can divide a marriage in two. Please take the time to think about your husband's feelings in all of this and TALK! Even when your ovaries are killing you and you feel so sick to your stomach you can't move, it might be nice to rub his shoulders or just not scream at the top of your lungs for once! I know for me, I am going to make a conscious effort to be more aware of his feelings this time and not just get so caught up in mine.

The link to the book I have posted at the top was recommended by a friend. I've heard excellent things about it. I am thinking about purchasing it myself! Don't know if he would want to read it, but hey, you never know! Thank you to all the dear husbands out there who support us through it all! You rock!

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