Saturday, June 18, 2011

Enough Is Enough

So I'm still wavering in limbo being "kinda" pregnant. Today my numbers rose, but only slightly to 22. The nurse's words were, "it's not a good prognosis, but still come back Monday for another test." REALLY? I understand it's not a no, but at this point, I JUST WANT AN ANSWER. I also understand that at this point I am pregnant until my numbers stop rising, but they should be doubling, not going up by only 6 points. Very frustrating to say the least. At times throughout the day I just want to cry and give up and others I can't possibly see myself relinquishing hope. How could I? I am actually pregnant at this point. But I can't celebrate it. It's not how I pictured it to be, not one bit. I can't smile obnoxiously with a glow and just stare at my belly all day and it really annoys the heck out of me right now! At this point my husband and I just pray that the numbers somehow miraculously skyrocket by Monday. Not sure which bruised arm they want blood out of that day, but they can definitely take their pick!

To be completely honest, I'm not sure at this point if I can go through this again. These past two days have just taken their toll on me and my husband. And the fact that they kept 11 out and only 2 survived for transfer, leads us to believe that the 16 frozen ones don't hold out much hope for us. Some of them won't even survive the thawing process and who knows if they will make it long enough to do a day 5 or 6 transfer again. I know for a fact, I don't see myself going through an egg retrieval any time soon again, if ever. If it were up to me and we had endless amounts of money, I would be signing us up for adoption right now and completing the paperwork, coursework and throwing whatever money they wanted at them for a chance at the family we so desperately want. The thought that kills me right now is I know that in a few days I could possibly be having a period to pass the closest chance we had to a baby. I wanted pregnancy. My husband wanted a belly on me. We wanted the silly classes, labor aches and pains, nausea, uncomfortableness, maternity clothes, ultrasound pics and the opportunity to say "we're pregnant" to our friends and family. That dream is quickly vanishing before our eyes and it seems almost too difficult to handle at this moment. But, again, I must be patient and it is certainly not one of my finest qualities. Only time and prayer will tell which path we are to follow. Thank God I have my husband.


  1. Disappointed and crying w/ you. Hope the numbers rise too. Some one w/ more experience than me (which is everyone else) would tell you it is never better than 50% chance. Your frozen ones do have same 50% chance. There are also adoption funds if you choose that path. Chk out Steven Curtis Chapman's site. I actually donate to that fund.

  2. I want to sit here and offer you hope, I wish there was something I could say to take the worry away but I know that nothing I say can.

    The only hope I can give you is that in early pregnancy, the doubling rate is "supposed" to be 24 hours, but my RE said that it can be 2-3.5 days for the HCG to double. If that's the case then you are still right on track for a healthy baby. My numbers did not double, they told me I was miscarrying, then told me it was ectopic, and my son is alive and well today. I know it's not the norm and I don't know if that brought you any hope or excitement, but I just felt like I needed to share it with you and let you know that I am praying for you and your little baby. I am praying for your numbers to shoot up for Monday, and please know that we're here for you if you need to vent.
    -Rachael Scott, from the FB IF group