Friday, June 10, 2011

Rough Day

It's almost over. I can make it...right? It's getting harder as the hours pass on. It's lonely with my husband at work and even though friends and family have been stopping by to visit. I love having them here but I don't want them to feel like they have to be here. At times I want them to stay and then others I just want to be alone with my thoughts. All the ups and downs thanks to hormones no doubt. The past two days I have been nothing be cautiously optimistic, hopeful and full of faith. Today, not so much. I try. I pray. I read scriptures to uplift me. It's getting harder, but this is ultimately a test of faith that I must pass. In my reading I came across a passage in Matthew telling us not to ask God for signs for that is not faith. I must stop asking for signs of pregnancy but rely solely on my faith that God does hear my prayers and will answer them in his own way. Hard.To.Do. But I must. As I stare out the window, longing just to smell the air and feel the breeze, I must remind myself this is all for a good reason and my faith will get me through. The tears may come and fall, but that doesn't mean my faith must waiver. It is strong. I am confident in our odds and God's miracles. But there is always that little doubt in the back of your mind that won't go away and sometimes pushes to the forefront like today. It tries so hard to get you down and make you not believe. A fight that goes back and forth in my head each hour of this day.

I have started and stopped 3 movies today, watched about 10 mindless shows on TLC and read quite a few pages finally in one of my books. However, I made the mistake of watching The Baby Story. I should have known from my temperament this morning that this would not be a good choice for me today. Yet, I still turned the channel and couldn't take my eyes off the screen. In this particular episode, the couple already had a child and was adopting another one from Korea. I was doing fine watching it and was actually interested because I was proud of TLC for finally taking another approach on the show. Not every woman has a baby on her own or naturally. As I continued to watch, the husband and soon to be big brother stayed behind while the mom went overseas to bring the baby home. Still doing well at this point. It wasn't until the mom emerged from the airport with her whole family crying and screaming in excitement and happiness that I, too, started to cry. The expression of the mom's face said it all to me. How I would feel when I could finally bring home a child that would be ours. I lost it. Crying uncontrollably for a good 10 minutes. My poor husband comes upstairs unaware and instantly tries to calm me down so I don't upset anything that may be happening in my uterus. Finally, I was okay, but then the Pampers commercial came on and talked about how no matter how the baby comes into the world (showing IVF, surrogate, adoption, etc.)  they are always...something...can't even remember because I began crying again at this point. Just an emotional day I guess. The bed rest getting the best of  me or the anxiety of wanting to know starting to rear its ugly head.

This too, shall pass. Tomorrow will be a new day, one full of hope and positivity that I had just yesterday and still sometimes today.  Hoping for a better day since I will have a change of scenery tomorrow...the couch! Woo hoo! I get to move downstairs and just take it easy down there. That will surely lift my spirits. I will keep relying on verses to get me through such as this: Psalm 62:5 Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him.

1 comment:

  1. :) love and miss u. Im thinkin about ya!! -erin shaw