For whatever reason, today of all days, I woke up with a sense of stillness or calmness (if that's even a word) surrounding me. I woke up empowered with the knowledge that whatever is to be, will be and it is most definitely out of my control so there is no reason for me to continue worrying about it constantly. Now, this feeling may leave me as soon as I wake tomorrow, but for now, I'm going with it!
I know you may be thinking this is the weirdest of all days, Mother's Day, to wake up peaceful and completely happy facing my situation. But somehow, I can just feel God holding my hand or his hands on my shoulders...not sure which. I just feel his presence surrounding me to keep me calm in my storm. This is what I have been praying for! This is what all of you have been praying for me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I feel prepared and ready to conquer these shots and long days ahead of me. I feel...truly okay about it all. Which is funny, considering yesterday I was crying at the sight of every pregnant lady or small child! Today for our Mother's Day brunch we even had a VERY pregnant waitress...how ironic. But you know what? It didn't bother me. Today at church, they made a pregnancy announcement and another lady said, "Happy Mother's Day to you too!" Still...didn't bother me.
That's how I know I'm ready. I have come to terms with everything in my environment that I will never be able to escape. If I'm not blessed with a child, there will not be a place on earth I can hide from seeing pregnant ladies. There won't be a place I will go without some small child or baby with the same binky or onesie I was going to purchase for my own child. Women with infertility face their problem every day and cannot run or hide. As much as we would like to, we can't. We might as well come to termswith our own situations and face the world head on with our heads held high, knowing we are not alone in our sacrifice of not being able to conceive. Knowing that there are people out there that pray for us daily and want to help us through this trial.
These feelings may change (and probably most certainly will) as my time with hormone shots goes on or this round of IVF doesn't work. However, I will remember this day and how I feel right now. It is okay. I'm okay. If I can't have my own child....eventually, probably not right away, I will be okay. I have received the patience, peace and serenity I have been so desperately praying for. If I can't be in control, I can at least be calm about the whole situation and it can only help it go more smoothly or at least not as terrible as I remember it the last time. For me, right now, I'm calm and happy and I am going to enjoy it while it lasts.
It is totally God's sense of humor that this arrives for me on Mother's Day. His way of telling me next year I will be celebrating as well?? Perhaps. Either way, thank you, God.