Watching all the ads on tv and walking through the mall makes it all the more obvious again that I am not a mother. No, I'm not bitter, just sad. This was supposed to be the first one we celebrated and yet nothing. This year seems somewhat difficult to handle for some reason. Whether it's just because I'm sad or whether it's that I am gearing up for another round of IVF and starting Lupron shots next weekend, I can't seem to keep my emotions in check this week. Oh wait, it's also the last week of my pills this week...even better! So no wonder I can't keep my hand out of the Dove chocolate bag! This week leading up to Mother's Day just brings all the emotions right up to the surface of everything I want to do with our future children. Number one being just celebrating being a mother and bringing a life into this world. But yet, I can't because I'm not. Frustrating, sad, angering, anxiety-causing, sleep-depriving and faith building all at the same time.
Of course I am excited for all of the mothers out there and most importantly my own, but most of that day will be filled with the emotions of how much I want that for myself. How much I want to hold our baby in my arms and smother it with my love! I keep thinking that I would never want a gift on Mother's Day because the most important gift would have already been given to me. My husband would be thrilled to hear that! Think of how much money we would save without him having to buy me jewelry each year! Yet, he still saves that same money if I end up not being a mother at all. Hmmm.
I keep forcing the jealousy out of my head and heart and telling myself that's no way to live. Because it's not. You have to be happy with what you have and enjoy your life without wishing for things out of your control. A daily reminder I have to give to myself after I have those thoughts for the first few minutes of each day. Who am I kidding? Thoughts I have probably every hour or two! Right now, leading up to IVF, something reminds me I'm not a mom at least once an hour. No joke. For the first time ever I have been mistaken for a stay at home mom twice in the past week! Once by a lady at church who called me the best kind of mom---a stay at home one! Great, thanks! Not one yet though! The other by a lady at the grocery store who saw me buying juice and assumed I had a bunch of kids at home and asked if I wanted her coupon. Nope, I don't, thanks though. Reminders everywhere. There's no way around it, so to be bitter would be the worst way to live. Sure, we all have bad days or bad moments in our days, but the key is to not focus on them enough to where they become our days, weeks, months, life. Sure, I want a baby so bad it hurts sometimes, but if I dwell on that, it will consume me and I will become a person I won't even like to be around. That's not me. I am a positive person. I can't dwell in the negative. So sure, Mother's Day is the biggest reminder of all that I'm not a mother...but the key word is YET. Don't think that I won't have rough days this week. I'm sure I will. I'm sure there will be tears that eventually will lead to prayers for a baby or understanding this situation or calming my storm or me in my storm in life. I can guarantee bad thoughts, what I can do about them is find a way to survive those thoughts and see the light on the other side. I can't sit around eating chocolate and crying all day as much as I would want to. I have to celebrate my life as it is now. I don't want to miss out on parts of my life while waiting for other parts to begin. I certainly wouldn't want my children to do that so I cannot.
So happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there and I will be celebrating you on Sunday! Each day will be a struggle but it will be well worth it to grow as a woman in my walk of faith.
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